Nostalgia and Melancholia

On Facebook, I've been reconnecting with lots of people: old high school chums, my mom's friend, relatives and my old lesbian friends. I really like to "see" these folks and where they are in their lives. It's why I go to my high school reunions. I like to see how people' lives are unfolding. I view it as an anthropological experiment. Observing the outcomes of choices and just plain nosey voyeurism.

I am happy to reconnect with the old lesbian crowd. From hanging out / sparring with p'ster, I see how much I have missed dykes and their energy and their strength. Especially, the old unencumbered days when most of my time was occupied with cultural events largely in the lesbian community. Since hooking up with my partner, and especially since we had kids, my life has been so un-dyke oriented. Most of the people we socialize with are straight couples with kids. This is fine. I just miss the old energy and am nostalgic for the old fun days before settling down and having kids. I love my life and my family passionately. My wistfulness is part of my aging. Sometimes, I miss my youth.

This year, I will turn 47. My father was diagnosed with brain cancer when he was 47. I was the one who had to tell him he would die. I had to explain his tumor was fatal and the odds strongly favored him dying as opposed to living. He lived 5 more years but only 2 were good. He was bed-ridden for almost 3 years. A miserable existence. I think I am wigged out about turning 47. I was scared to be 27 because I was in my late 20's and no longer a kid. This is very different and concrete.

Being 47 is emotionally scary. I am not ready to die. My father was not ready either. At the time,his cancer was diagnosed, the doctors gave him 6 months to live. He suffered greatly. I've had lots of diagnostic tests this year (the Age of 'Ologists!!!) and seem to be mostly fine. I need to take high blood pressure pills but otherwise am in good health.

I am nostalgic because I am scared. I have enjoyed my life. I like living. I am not ready to die. Wow, my dad's death is really hitting me despite my best efforts. And then, I am still freaked about about Arpana's murder. At 24, she was much too young and just beginning to enjoy her life.

I am melancholy.