Merry un-birthday

I am not going gently into my grave. The ominous 47 birthday looms in 2 weeks. I've been kicking and punching against it. And because I am depressed, I am binging for comfort on sweets as only a fat girl can. (My partner cooked up kale which she served with a delicious tahini sauce and said quite seriously, "The next time you want ice cream, remember to reach for the kale." Gotta love her!)

My former secretary of 14 years died of breast cancer and was entombed last week. I've already written about all the reasons I dread this birthday.

My mother is having a big bash for me in her tiny apartment on the second floor of the two family house I grew up. She's inviting cousins, their spouses and their kids galore. I asked her where she will put all these people. She poo-pooed me. She has a deck. She really wants to and loves to be the hostess with the mostest. Ugh. I don't want to go. I don't want to celebrate. I don't want gifts!!! I want to hide in my bed. I already informed my partner she's driving home that night.

Oh, and my mother has declared the party commences at 2pm. She is excited about the fireworks happening at the high school behind her house. When I reminded her fireworks don't usually start until 9pm, she said blissfully, "Yes, I know." 7 hours trapped in her small apartment with relatives I see infrequently (not that I don't want to see them)! If I did not now better, I'd suspect my mother of smoking crack. She makes me crazy.

I am mourning four friends' deaths. I decry the demise of my youth. It is GONE. At work today, a colleague in his mid-50's said he was glad to see we "old timers" were frequently in the office since the younger folk were working from home whenever possible. Old timer?!!!? I am not ready for this. I embrace technology and I love working from home. If I never worked in the office again, it would be fine. And he's about 10 years older than me!!! Old Timer???

I would be ok being 47 if friends weren't dying around me, if my father had not gotten cancer at this age and if people would not think of me as an old fart. I am not going gently into my 47th year. I rage against the waning of my 46th.