Zeke the cat is dead

My partner wanted to know why I was protecting the cat's identity as described in the last post. His name was Zeke and he died last Friday. My partner and son buried him on Sunday during a brief warming.

Zeke died quietly at home in the presence of my son and partner. I think it's a good thing for a kid to see life ebbing into death. It makes death mundane and less scary. Death is never easy but I did not get to see it first hand until I put my dog down in my 20's after my father died. I wished I'd witnessed the dog's death before I had to deal with my dad's - alone at a VA hospital.

Death should not be a mystery. It should be just an ordinary part of life.

A cat's swansong

Our 19 year old senile cat is dying. He's been sleeping on my son's bed all the time. He's got arthritis and has stopped eating. He drinks a lot of water due to kidney failure. He's also feline HIV+. He's been sleeping most of the time for a week. My partner says he's in "shut-down mode". He is. He is waiting to die. A few days ago, he was missing for most of the day. We thought he'd gone off to die somewhere in the house because he hasn't been outside in a long time. We were worried we wouldn't find him until he became unpleasant smelling or scared a kid. Luckily, my partner found him in a corner of the basement on a duffle bag.

My son is very upset about the cat. He's become close to the cat. He's also a sensitive kid who is sensitve about death, having lost his grandfather over a year ago. He wants the cat to live longer. He doesn't really understand this is a very old cat. (My daughter is less sensitive. We promised the kids they could have kittens when the cat dies. My daughter wonders why the old cat is hanging on so long!)

I am concerned the cat will die and the ground will be frozen and we will wind up with dead cat in our freezer. Yuck.

This cat had a good life. My partner got him when was a small kitten. He was ornery and mean until senility exploded a few years ago. The cat used to hunt mice, squirrels and rats. The neighbors liked him as a vermin controller. The cat was always getting into fights. If we had a dollar for every absess my partner drained on this feline, we'd be able to go to a nice restaurant. Often, he'd disappear for days at a time. Just when we thought he'd been run over somewhere or have my partner in worried tears, he'd show up. Mostly, looking quite pleased with himself but sometimes a bloody mess. Recently, he has taken to howling because he can't figure his way out of closets and because there a metallic reflection on a wall. Senillity is not pretty.

I will miss this bastard of a cat when he goes. He's having a good death. He had a good life.

"Friends" and Facebook

I've become very addicted to Facebook. I am now in contact with cousins whom I have only seen a few times as adults. I know much minutia about their lives and I like that. I am able to stay in touch with friends I don't get to see often. I have found out things about acquaintances that I never knew. I have whole circles of "friends" I don't know well. For example, I have a "friend list" from kickboxing and another from church.

In order to become see some one's profile, you have to "friend" them. That is: you send them an invitation to be a friend and if they accept, you are friends and you have access to your friend's information. If they ignore you or decline, that's that. You can see almost any one's friends and you can join groups, networks and fan clubs. You can also send cyber presents, cyber treats and cyber stickers. You can also play games by yourself, against your friends as well as strangers. It's all a lot of fun.

Presently, I have 39 "friends". Obviously, not all these are close friends. Most are acquaintances. So what is a "friend"? Obviously, a real friend is someone I've invested lots of time and affection in. Someone with similar interests and shared experiences. Someone I love and trust. However, I know more about some Facebook friends than I do about friends I've known for many years! And vice versa. It's odd. Facebook, in addition to bringing people together, can part them Do I have to make plans with friends who live an hour away when I have nightly contact with them and can play games with them?

What about privacy? How well do I really want to know my minister, my kickboxing instructor, my son's teacher? How well do I want them to know me? I use enough of my name so that if I friend someone, I hope recognize me. I also don't use my full name in order to hide from the criminals I've met through my career. If someone really wants to find any of us, including me, they certainly can. Several people, I know fairly well did not recognize me and required several email exchanges to ascertain that I was me.

Why would I or any one broadcast our lives and interests? I am working on that. Part of it is egotistical but it's also like this blog: to discover my self and share my self with others. If they're not interested, they''ll move on. I have certainly signed away part of my privacy in joining Facebook and in blogging. I have traded this for connections. And growth. A recorded history of my life.

I enjoy blogs I've discovered through Blogger and other blog sites. I like reading about and seeing other people's lives. On Facebook, I enjoy learning about friends, relatives and acquaintances. I like these connections. I also understand nothing cyber-wise equals face-to-face encounters and live, spontaneous interactions with my friends and others.

Anesthesia and death

Yesterday, I had an esophageal endoscopy and was informed I have an upper stomach ulcer. Remedy: loose weight and eat better! Duh!. Meanwhile, I was left in a post-anesthesia stupor all day long. I was unable to function much less interact with our current house guests who have just returned from a trip abroad.

In order to undergo the medical procedure, I had to bring my living will, power of attorney and health power of attorney in case I died under the anesthesia. This had me pondering what my death will be like. It scares me. I'm afraid to not live. It saddens me too. As I know it does everyone. But, to contemplate one's demise is a curse granted I think only to our species. It's more frightening still to conceive of the death of spouses or parents or, God forbid, children.

I am not sure where this is going. I am not sure why I am in this frame. I am fine. I bounce back from negative situation as well enough as anyone because I am optimistic mostly and find joy in my life every day. Often many moments every day.

I want to read more about what happens at death's moment. Of, course I am 46 and hope to live to be 100 (just to say I did) but my life might truly be over half over. What have done with my time? What will I do with the remainder? Harvey Milk thought his life would end before 50 but he didn't start to do what mattered most to him until after age 40. (At least, according to the movie.)

Some artists and scientist did not blossom until after 40. I feel more alive now than ever. I am healthier and stronger. More sure of myself. I do not regret the life I've lived so far. I want to make a difference where I can. I want those who I leave behind to remember me. To feel good about having loved me or known me. Still, I am scared of the death process. Will I be conscious and then unconscious, like when undergoing anesthesia, but instead just not wake up? The brain functions ceasing? These seemingly rhetorical questions are not rhetorical.

2009 so far

So, we are settling into 2009's rhythm. We have our weeks of work and school. We have karate and gymnastics for the kids. Yoga and kickboxing for me. Work, more work and talking on the phone for my partner. We have the Unitarians on Sunday. The kids are learning to ski with my partner and her sister. I am back to Weight Watchers. I am getting all the middle-aged lady medical stuff done including an endoscopy on Friday.

The world wags on.

President Obama has already made some changes and had some minor issues. Too bad about Daschle. Yay, worldwide reproductive health. Yay, Gitmo closing.

I called the police about Arpana and gave them some information. I have to call them back and follow-up to see what's new.

The very core of my foundation was shaken over her death. I am reevaluating my world view. I still think most people are fundamentally good most of the time. It's the bad that I am having issue with. This resounds because I've worked with some horrible criminals over my career. It's one thing to meet them and work with them through my job. It's quite another matter when an unknown entity tears my friend from this world. I am contemplative.

I want to say life is good because mostly it is. My family and I very fortunate. I have nothing to complain about. But, I feel a numbing void. Often.