Too much focus

My son's ADHD has subsumed everything else in our lives for the past few months. In addition to the pediatric psychiatrist, we engaged a child psychologist from Yale. Insurance won't pay for the social skills group we tried to get our son into. He's been evaluated by a child study team but is too smart for special services. We have to wait until May 1st to make an appointment with a pediatric diagnostic neurologist.

I've started seeing a psychologist because I couldn't cope. The kid is angry, disrespectful and defiant. He punches and hits and rips up books. Two weeks ago, I was at my wits' end. Really. I wanted to run away but my son did that instead. Walked out of the house while my partner was at work. He was gone an hour and I was about to call the cops when I got a phone call from my son's friend's father who said my son was at their house two blocks away.

Our lives revolve around my son earning Legos for good behavior as a reward for positive reinforcement. Initially, this was a disaster. His behavior went from awful to horrible. I thought I was going to lose my mind. He threw a clock at me. It missed and I spanked him. I am a bad parent, I thought and then felt guilty. I was walking on eggshells all the time.

My daughter is starting to act out and manipulate us too. She sees all the attention her brother gets. She is worn down too. I says she hates "a-Had" as she calls ADHD. She asked me a few weeks ago if we could have one day without her brother crying or upsetting us all. I could not answer her.

One night, I googled military schools. Some take kids at age 8. My son will be 8 in August. I wanted to send him. The nearest one is in South Carolina. Private boarding schools for kids like mine cost a minimum of $40,000. I told myself we'd find a way to pay for it. I wanted him gone. He was making all our lives miserable.

My partner was working a lot. My son hated me more. I was around more. He and I have oppositional personalities, a poor combination. He missed his other mom but was mean to her too.

Therapy has helped me. My son's improved response to the positive discipline of Legos rewards has helped. My partner only works one job now. She was promoted. This will help.

My son is acting worse at school. Soon, the school psychologist will observe him in the classroom where he is disruptive. He calls out. He doesn't listen. He cannot sit still. At all. Maybe we'll get some services or help. He ignores all the adults. He bothers the other kids. This is not a good learning environment.

We will meet next week with the psychiatrist. Adjust his medication? I think there is something else going on. It will be explored.

Professionals always want to know about my partner's family. About the donor's. Now, they ask about me and mine. Yesterday, I spent 50 of my son's 55 minute session with the psychologist talking about my childhood and early adulthood.

It never ends. And won't for some time. I am exhausted. My partner is too. I trudge on. At least, I have some hope. Just recently, I have some hope. I am coping. The kid improved. A bit. I am optimistic by nature.