Some somethings

I turned 48 this summer. I survived the ominous 47th year. My father was diagnosed with brain cancer at that age. My partner's mother died. My father died at 52. This used to seem far away. It's as close as can be.

I've learned to slow time down. To not rush it. Not all the time. Not always successfully. But the reality of my mortality is ever present. What if my time is less than more? What if like my father, I have only another 4 years? I would want my time to be full and slow and for me to be the best person I can be.

I am not always the best I can be. My temper is short. Especially when I'm hot or tired. Often with my son. Constantly, I remind myself to be patient and kind. Kindness comes easier than patience. I want the measure of my life to have caused more good than bad. I want people to recall me as a person who tried to do what was right and what was honorable.

I am not gloomy or even melancholy. That was this winter past. Rather, I grapple with my limitations and finiteness. There is an unknown endpoint. Accepting this is the process. But acceptance is a positive. It's getting the most as much as I can. It's striving for the best present and the best me. Even if these are elusive.