Roles in the lesbian community and in my family

One of my readers recently left this comment in response to my blog post about the movie The Kids Are Alright.

I saw the movie recently. I was curios about your opinion and I got the answer for some of my questions. But one thing is still not clear for me: is this common among lesbian couples that one of them is more like the 'man' and the other is more like the 'woman' of the family? Nic was always in suites

and short hair cut, while Jules was more feminine style. I have seen this in other movies as well. Same with the gays, one of them is more masculine and the other is more into fashion and etc

It's funny but I haven't thought about these stereotypes in years but it's probably worth revisiting this. I don't think I've ever blogged about it so it's interesting to me.

On lesbian websites, Nic's character has been been referred to as "soft butch" (ie more

"masculine") and Jules is referred to as a not too glamorous femme (ie more "feminine" or womanly.) This is of course in line with what my reader observed.

In the early days, ie the 1950s, 1960s, prior to gay liberation and the feminist movement of the 1970s, many lesbian couples fell into the butch / femme roles because it reflected what was around them in society. I knew a few butch / femme couples when I first came out in the late 1980s but the roles were not as prevalent has they had been. I'd see them in the clubs and at social gatherings. I'd see rarely some single lesbians who were into one of these roles. Often, the butch one was the dominant one but not necessarily. There were always those women who were "femme in the street and butch in the sheets" as the saying went.

When I came out in the late 1980s, society was post feminism. I remember that most women considered themselves as having evolved beyond the perceived "limited" roles of butch /femme. Most women were some where in the middle. Some looked sporty and some looked less sporty but they all looked like every day, regular girls, not too girly and certainly not butch, a look which was actually scorned. Or so that's what I recall. Women who were too femme seemed to incur scorn too. But, I can only really speak for myself and my family.

My father's youngest sister is gay and is very feminine. She's 18 months older than me. She's always dated women who looked quite butch. The 1980s were tough for her because she is so femme identified. It got easier for her as time went on. It was always easy for her in the workaday world because she was not pegged as gay. She passed easily as straight. To her credit, though my aunt has always been out at work, even in the 1980s when very few gay and lesbians were out because it was so easy to lose one's job.

Me, I am not a girly girl. I dress as a woman and am happy to be a woman. I wear dresses at important events and in the summer when it's hot. I prefer nice shirts and pants for work and jeans and casual clothes on the weekend. My partner is the same way. We both prefer to be comfortable but look like women and act like women.

My hair is short but fashionable. (Were it to let my hair grow as I have done in the past, it would be bushy, wild and unmanageable. I have very thick, curly, non-conforming hair.) My partner has thin wavy hair hair she keeps short. She has worn it long at times but it looks goofy. (Sorry, dear.) She just looks better in a shortish, neat hair style.

My partner works in the medical profession. She runs a health center. She still sees patients but is more of an administrator. I work in law enforcement. Our incomes are similar. Neither feels her job is more important. We both do important work. We each support the other's career. We contribute to the household finances similarly.

I hate cleaning. My partner does too. She's better at it than me. She chides me about this. We have a cleaning lady who comes every 2 weeks and performs magic. (I'd have her come every week or every day if we could afford it!)

My partner is a better cook. I am more willing to experiment but that often leads to disaster. My partner follows recipes better than me. My partner hates the way I wash the dishes. Thank goodness, we have a dish washer. She is a better dish washer than me. She does laundry more than me. She tidies up more than me. I am lazier than her! This has nothing to do with roles. I'd probably be even lazier if I were with a man because I would resent that he would expect me to clean and to cook.

I do a lot of the outdoor work. I like to garden. Nothing makes me as happy as tending to my plants, caring for my flowers and nurturing the vegetables. My partner is more eager to mow the lawn than I am. I am more content to mow the lawn however now that we have a gas mower rather than an electrical one. (The electrical one was lent us by my partner's sister and I hated it at once because of its long extension cord. Well, I was done with it when I ran over the electrical cord and nearly electrocuted myself as I had feared.) Neither of us has an assigned role.

In terms of the kids, we parent equally. I work from home a few days a week and can take the kids to activities and spare them after school care. I was home with them 7 months when they were babies (after my partner's initial 3 months with them.) I worked part-time until they were 5 when they started kindergarten. My schedule has always been more flexible which is good for kids. (This will change soon, unfortunately, with a new position I have taken in a new city. However, the flexibility should return in a few months.) My partner's job means she cannot be as flexible as I have been able. We are also thankful to my mother who comes and stays with us once a week.

I am more strict than my partner due to my upbringing and nature. We continually strive for consistency and fairness. I don't want my kids to be miscreants or criminals. I want them to be decent, caring, morally upright citizens. My partner does too. She's just more lenient than me. This has nothing to do with us as a couple but more to do with who we are inherently. I hate chaos and disorder. She is more tolerant of it. I am learning to relax and let go. She is toughening up.

So, in my family, we are largely egalitarian. We are a woman-run household of 2 female adults in a marriage-like relationship and 2 children: 1 boy and 1 girl who seem to be ok. We have masculine role models for our son who does thrive on his interactions with men and follow our daughter's lead as to the men she wants to interact with. We have men in our lives, happily. Men are half the population. Our son is male. We love him. My sexual / affectational orientation has nothing to do with my friendships with men and nothing to do with my love for my son.

My partner and I love each other. I don't want to be with a man or with a woman who looks or acts like a man. I like women. I like women who look and act like women. I am a woman who likes women. I have nothing against men but I prefer relationships with women. Hence, my partner is a woman. I am a lesbian. I am happy I can live the life I was born to live. So, for me it's not about masculine or feminine. It's about what will make me happy and what will best give me a good life.

I hope this provides some insight for my curious reader. Thanks for asking.

(PS. This is obviously not my family.)