A Christmas card

Today, I got a Christmas card from an old friends addressed to my partner "and family."  There was no mention of my name anywhere.  I knew these friends, a childless lesbian couple near my age, long before I met my partner.  I was there when they first met.  They were friends and eventually business partners, and then bitter former business partners, with my ex-girlfriend.  We vacationed together and visited each other often.  How did we get here?

L and T, these friends, called me on my birthday a few years ago after a year or more of no contact.  They wanted to wish me a happy birthday and since I was in the middle of celebrating my birthday with my family, I cut short the phone call.  I thanked them and said I'd call them another time.  I never did.  I have had no contact with them ever since.  My partner, the sender-out of cards, sent them a card this year;  she does not remember if she sent a card last year.

The exclusion of my name once would have bothered me.  I would have felt guilt for never calling them back and sad they held that against me.  I don't.  As I've gotten older, for better or worse, I've become really good as moving on and leaving people I once cared for, a lot, behind.  I am amused L and T addressed the card to my partner and family.  I guess the really big kiss-off would have been addressing the card to my partner "and kids."  Is that a door ajar or politeness?  I think politeness.  T was always polite except when she was ranting or drunk.

I met T at a gay social group where I eventually met my ex-girlfriend and where T met L.  T and I were friends before all that.  She and I hung out more together more than I did with her and L or as couples.  She was sharp-witted, funny to the point of snarkiness, and smart.  She had a lot of gay guys who were friends.  She worked as a pharmaceutical representative, pushing prescription drugs on doctors.  As couples, my ex-girlfriend and I as well as L and T partied, had parties, met up on Cape Cod to hang out.  After my ex-girlfriend and I broke up, T and L remained friends with her as well as me.  When I started dating my partner,  L and T liked her and encouraged my relationship.  Meanwhile, T went into business with my-exgirlfriend and L returned to her previous profession.

L and T came to our baby shower.  We still saw them occasionally.  At some point, T's sister developed a serious drug problem and she and L took custody of T's sister's kids.  T's nephew had lots of behavioral problems that eventually resulted in T sending him to a boarding school where his behavioral problems were exacerbated. T eventually surrendered custody of him to state juvenile welfare authorities.  T's niece acted out in a different manner.  T's and my ex-girlfriend's company took off. In the midst of all, mine and my partner's kids were born.  We saw less of L and T but I talked to T regularly about her family, especially concerning legal issues.  I cared.

We always saw L and T for their yearly Christmas party which was always fabulous, initially because T, who was a good cook, cooked.  Eventually, T's parties were catered and were attended by her work colleagues including my ex-girlfriend.   My ex-girlfriend and I became friendly and she had a new girlfriend.  After a year passed without seeing T and L, we got together with them to find out my ex-girlfriend had left T's company under unfortunate circumstances.  T blamed my ex-girlfriend for almost embezzling and when I met with my ex-girlfriend one day, she blamed T saying she was crazy and her craziness resulted in a discrimination law suit.  I thought it best not to take sides.  My partner did not like my ex-girlfriend and sided with T, but my partner did not at least trash my ex-girlfriend when we socialized with T.

T had been out as a lesbian for years and her parties were always mixed with gay and straight people.    They were always zany, loud and flamboyant: the parties and the gay boys.  The last party we went to was when my kids, who are now 9, were well under 5.  Maybe they were 3.  As we walked up to T's new, fancy house in a fancy, well-to-do suburb, L came out of the house and cautioned us there were people at the party T was not out to and T did not want "anyone acting gay."  My partner and I looked at each other promising not to act gay, whatever that was, but it was clear we were together as a couple and that we had twins together.

When we entered the house, banished were the gay boys and dance music.  Christmas music played tastefully in the background in throughout every room in hidden speakers.  There were straight families with their children and only a few gay people, all looking un-gay.  No boys in tight shirts, no girls looking butch.  Everyone was attired in very conservative dress clothes.  Us included.   T reminded us of the no-gay rule when she airbrushed my cheek, explaining she was expanding her company and could loose important business deals if people knew she was gay. I am not sure how T explained L living with her; perhaps, she let people think L did not live there.  I never found out. (But I remember being shown "L's room" that had a bed in it as well as "T's room" which was a master bedroom suite.)  I am not sure where my partner was, but at some point, I was hanging out in a room with other parents and watching my daughter.  A man asked my about my daughter and my family and I referenced my partner.  The man was nonplussed but T heard us.  She called me into the hall and reminded me nicely of the no-gay rule.  I told her was not going to hide my relationship with my partner.  T looked annoyed but shrugged it off by, saying the man was probably ok with me being gay but she was uncertain how he would feel if she new he was gay.  T thought that because the man was Indian, somehow he would be anti-gay and would hold this against her and she needed him for her business ventures.  Oh, well.  My partner and I laughed about it afterwards and we both agreed the gay parties were more fun.

We did not have much contact, aside from yearly Christmas cards, from T and L for a few years.  That is, until she called me on my birthday a few years ago.

It is a fact we change throughout our lives.  Our relationships and friendships wax and wane.  That's fine.  I never meant to not call T.  I never really had a reason to call her.  We had grown apart.  Now, she has a Christmas card relationship to my partner and none to me.  And that's fine with me.  I am amused being addressed as part of of my partner's "and family."  I am glad to be part of my family.